


I'll Never Smile Again

by ofstardustandthimbles



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Because Peggy deserves a better funeral., F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-09
Updated: 2016-12-09
Packaged: 2018-09-07 12:43:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8801302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofstardustandthimbles/pseuds/ofstardustandthimbles
Summary: Where Steve Rogers remembers Peggy Carter, the woman who changed and saved his life. Where Steve Rogers is unsure if he should plant himself like a tree. An extended funeral for Margaret Elizabeth Carter because she deserves better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Because Peggy deserves a better funeral. Because Steve needs to let himself break down and be human. 
> 
> Inspired and posted on Tumblr.

When his mother died, he was not strong enough to carry her weary body to church. Barely sixteen, Steve could only stare, his sky blue eyes a stormy grey as he watched the other men in the neighborhood carry his mother’s coffin to the altar. Bucky helped with most of the arrangements and for that, Steve was infinitely grateful, but he could not tear his gaze away from the closed coffin resting beneath the crucifix. He hardly spoke a word throughout the mass and throughout the burial. His eyes remained cold and empty, his fingers blue and cheeks red from the winter wind. God knows how long he stood at his mother’s grave, reading  _ Sarah Rogers, Beloved Mother  _ over and over until Bucky pulled him away from her resting site. She was gone.

_ And she was gone. _

Steve swallowed hard as his hands trembled.  _ She was gone,  _ he repeated,  _ she was gone. She was gone.  _ Not long after he visited Peggy back in D.C., he broke down and  locked himself away for hours.  It was harder to come each day, watching her brown eyes light up every time she remembered him. Her hands were cold and her hair thin and grey. She had already lived her life without him and their days were numbered. It was only a matter of time before the angels took her away from him. He wasn’t strong enough to see her lifeless body resting in the coffin, her vibrant eyes closed, her crimson lips a pale grey, her voice forever silent six feet below ground.

He had seen more than enough carnage to last a lifetime. The War brought images of bloody bodies at unmarked graves, limbs bent at crooked angles and skin so hollow that they were skeletons rather than humans. He had seen soldiers, officers, and innocent civilians lay at rest with dirt stained on their faces and eyes lifeless and empty. He couldn’t save them all, he couldn’t. The world was too heavy on his shoulders from carrying the weight of their heavy hearts and sorrows.

But he carried Margaret Elizabeth Carter on his shoulder, biting his tongue and wishing with each step to lay in her coffin beside her, to turn back time and live the rest of his years with her, to never live without her. But her grandchildren and great-children were there, watching him as Captain America carried their grandmother towards Heaven. His eyes stung and his heart faltered and all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms just one last time.

The cathedral reminded him too much of the church where his mother was first laid to rest. Steve shifted in his seat, his eyes focused on his hands folded on his lap. Empty words fell on his deaf ears as he curled the corners of the funeral program, refusing to read Peggy’s name written in an elegant script and the dates that marked the beginning and end of her days. She deserved better, God, she  _ deserves better. _

Sam nudged his arm lightly and pointed to the podium with a slight cant of his head. Taking a deep breath, Steve glanced upwards as Sharon gripped the edges of the podium, her knuckles as white as snow. Her eyes brimmed red, her face pale as she spoke about the legacy of Margaret Carter, the woman who would have been his wife, the woman he would have spent the rest of his life with. He could only grimace at the anecdotes Sharon divulged to the audience that called for  a few fits of laughter in the gloomy cathedral.

She lowered her head, her blonde hair shielding her face as she brushed a stray tear from her cheek. “Aunt Peggy’s memory is like the lost and found. It makes me miss her when she’s smiling at me.”

The cathedral fell quiet as her hands trembled in the morning sunlight right when her eyes met his. Forcing a smile, she nodded and walked off the altar with her head bowed, her shoulders shaking.

“Hey,” Sam gripped his arm, his voice low with worry etched on his brow. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be all right,” Steve whispered. Almost reluctantly, Sam let him go, his dark eyes laced with concern as his friend passed by the closed coffin.

Blue irises fell upon her portrait, a gentle smile on her face, years of age creased on her cheeks and her hair as grey as the storm clouds threatening to gather in the morning sky.

His legs quivered with each step. Gripping the edge of the podium before he could fall on his knees, he blinked and raised his chin, blinded by the vibrant hues of gold streaming through the stained glass.

His throat ran dry as he opened his mouth; there was no need to introduce himself. The world already knew who he was, but the world never knew about her.

“Margaret Elizabeth Carter,” Steve began, his voice cracking. He sounded pathetic. “Peggy is,” he looked down at the wooden boards of the podium, the image of the young Christ printed on the Gospel smiling up at him.

“Peggy Carter was a woman I will never forget.” He smiled. His eyes stung, his chest heavy and he could barely breathe with hundreds of eyes upon him, with the angels and saints weeping for his loss. “I first met Peggy at Camp Leigh where we were both training for the war.”

He cleared his throat, his eyes downcast. Where was he going with this?

“She was my teacher, my friend. I would have been her husband if it weren’t for the war.”

Steve grimaced, a bittersweet smile gracing his lips as his ears turned pink. There were a few chuckles in the crowd, but all he remembered was her heartbreaking smile at the Smithsonian, the pain behind her warm brown eyes and her soft voice. He would give anything to hear her voice and see her smile once more.

“Even now, Peggy is still changing and saving my life. She taught me how to fight, how to defend and protect, how to become the man I am today.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. Blinking rapidly, he straightened his spine. “Peggy Carter is an amazing and well-loved and respected woman. There is not a day I don’t miss her.”

He looked down again, his eyes stinging as his chest began to ache. His lips quivered as he glanced at the crowd once more.

“We will never forget her,” he whispered. He smiled and turned away the moment a tear fell from his eyes, his head lowered and his gaze fixed on his feet. He should have said more, his speech was too short, but God, it hurt to stand up there and remember the days they had and the days that could have been. But time was cruel and the angels took her away from him.

Sam only watched as Steve descended the steps, silent as he sat beside him, his eyes closed with tears streaming down his cheeks, his face hidden behind his scarred hands, but he could not sit for long when he had to carry her to her grave.

He was Captain America. The world was too loud, too turbulent and changing each second. No one needed Steven Grant Rogers, but Captain Fucking America, the hero that he was so tired of being. The shield grew too heavy with the weight of the universe upon his shoulders, the bags beneath his eyes grew darker, his bones weary and his soul a ghost of the man he once was. All he wanted was to rest, to leave the world behind him, to break down, to cry and scream  and just be  _ saved _ for once.

But they needed him. They needed him and took her away, took his innocence, his friend, his family, his shield, his compass, his very root of his past, everything he fought for, only to be torn down like a fragile house of cards. All he saw was blood, carnage, and red, so much boiling  _ red. _

Steve still saw her, her big, brown doe eyes in his dreams, heard her laugh and voice. He could feel her hands wrapped around his neck, her lips against his, whispering  _ I love you, come back to me, just be here.  _ His desperate hands reached for her, but Peggy only smiled as she spread her wings. She was so beautiful, he wanted to cry and fly away with her, but there was another war to be fought. Another war to win, another war to die.

His uniform stared at him from the trunk, a bright glare of red, white, and blue.

“Thank you Sharon,” Steve murmured, a small, sad smile on his lips. “I owe you one.”

Her eyes met his once more, a quiet understanding between them.

She stepped forward and placed a round object in his palm, her hands warm against his skin. His heart stopped, the world silent around him as he held his compass in his hands once more.

With trembling fingers, he opened it, the red needle pointing north with Peggy smiling at him.

Sharon smiled and kissed his cheek. “In case you are unsure if you should plant yourself like a tree.”

  
  
  



End file.
